Today is day 2 of my break from Holly. Leading up to this break, I was filled with a mixture of sadness and hope. Sad because I won't be able to just contact her or see her whenever I want, of course, but also sad because of what the break represents for me in terms of changes I need to make in my own life. My marriage is now nothing more than a really good friendship with a girl I met in college. It's not fair to her or to me to keep this sham relationship going indefinitely. There is real work ahead in figuring out how to part ways that is both fair and considerate for both of us. There will most certainly be dark days to come and I don't look forward to those at all. I am good at putting things off, a master procrastinator as it were.
But I feel that if I don't begin to make progress toward ending my marriage now, then I might never do it. And that is scary. Do I have the strength and the courage to do what I really believe in my heart is the right thing both for my wife and for me? I like to think so. I must admit, I tend to look down on people who take the easy way out - the "wimps" who can't hack it when it comes to making hard choices. I don't want to be a wimp, I really, really don't.
Holly said something to me as we started one of our other breaks (this current one is number 4 for those of you keeping score) about how she hoped it would give me some time and space to figure out how to build the kind of life I want. In so many ways, I already have the kind of life I want - a home I love, a job I love, family nearby, money in the bank, investments for the future - but it's NOT a life. I am not really living, I'm just existing. And I have been for far too long.
I spent most of yesterday wallowing in my sorrow over this break with Holly. I didn't exactly stay in bed all day but I might as well have. I allowed myself one day of self-pity. Dealing with the loss of a woman like Holly probably deserves several days of wallowing. But wallowing is not really my style. I don't like wallowing. Wallowing and I are not friends. So, I'm determined to make today the start of something better. I believe it was Confucious who famously said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". I hope today is my first step. I hope I have the strength to keep taking steps. I hope I won't quit when it gets hard. I hope.
I have many things I want to do in addition to formulating a plan to end my marriage. One of those things is to exercise more. Even though it is hot as BALLS outside, I went for a run this morning. I don't really like to run, but I like the way I feel afterward and I like the way I feel about myself as I'm doing it. It always helps me clear my head and bring things into focus for me. As I was huffing and puffing and sweating earlier, I got the basic idea for this post and I also remembered one of my favorite quotes from one of my very favorite movies.
The movie is "The Shawshank Redemption" and if you haven't seen it, do so - like ASAP - because it's fucking awesome. Anyway, there's a scene near the end where Morgan Freeman's character, "Red" has finally been released from prison after like 40 years and is struggling to deal with life on the outside. He's scared and unsure of himself and even considers committing a crime so that he'll get sent back to prison where he feels safe. He also contemplates suicide, just as one of another of his prison friends did once he got out after a lifetime inside. In a dramatic scene near the end of the film, he remembers something that his friend, Andy once said to him in the prison yard about how it all comes down to a simple choice. In the scene, Red says to himself, "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin' - that's goddamn right."
That's really true, isn't it? Being with Holly gave me a glimpse into what truly living might be like.
I think it's time for me to get busy livin'. Wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment